Understanding the Heartbreaking Impact of Baby Loss

Experiencing the loss of a baby is one of the most devastating life events a parent can face. The grief that accompanies this profound sorrow can feel overwhelming and isolating. Bereaved parents commonly want to hide away from the world. They can feel that healing is impossible and that no one really understands what they are going through.

The death of a baby brings profound sorrow, the depth of which many people don't fully comprehend. Throughout pregnancy, a mother is primed to nurture and protect their baby. A relationship has been formed. A future has been imagined. A woman’s identity has been changed. When a baby dies, mums can feel heartbroken, lost, empty, and isolated. It can be excruciating for bereaved mums to see other pregnant women and their babies.

Expectant dads grieve too. Their grief may be different; however, they too have lost their child, an imagined future, a new role, a readiness for the next stage of life. Dads may feel the emotional weight of looking after their partners in their grieving. Dads can worry about their partners' ongoing mental health and can struggle with their grief being overlooked in light of the grieving mother. In some cases, Dads experience a delayed grief response.

​There is no right way to grieve, and people grieve in different ways. People's pathways towards integrating their loss into their ongoing lives differ from one person to the next. 

It is important to acknowledge the depth of your feelings and understand that you are not alone.

In this post, we'll explore ways to honour your baby's memory and find gentle support as you navigate the heartbreak of loss.

The Depth of Baby Grief: Understanding Your Emotions

Losing a baby can stir a complex mix of feelings.

Sadness, numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, and confusion often intertwine, making it hard to process your emotions.

Rumination and flashbacks to what happened including the time that you found out your baby had died, thinking about the labour and birth and your baby, are common.

Physical symptoms such as feeling like you are in a fog, unable to concentrate, not sleeping well, under-eating or overeating are also common. Understanding that these reactions are completely normal can help you feel a little less isolated. It's okay to grieve in your way and at your own pace.

​​Following the loss of a baby, both parents may anticipate their baby's future milestones with trepidation for example, the due date, the first Mother's Day, Father's Day, the first Christmas etc.

Many parents find comfort in speaking about their baby, sharing memories, and recalling the excitement of their pregnancy. Honoring those emotions is important if it feels right for you. Talking to family and friends and other bereaved parents, can provide an outlet, helping you feel supported and understood.

"Will I always feel like this?"

Baby loss can feel very isolating.

Finding Support: Resources for Grieving Parents

Support Groups:

Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can be immensely helpful. Numerous support groups and online communities exist for parents navigating the challenges of baby loss. You can share your story, express your feelings, and find comfort in knowing that others understand your pain.

Professional Help:

In Australia, baby loss specific organisations such as Red Nose, The Pink Elephant Network, The Perinatal Loss Centre, Bears of Hope and Love from Dad, offer resources, literature, and support groups tailored to bereaved families. You may also consider reaching out to a therapist or counsellor who specialises in grief to help guide you through this difficult time. Your GP is a good starting point to share what you are experiencing.

Parents in a support group finding comfort in shared experiences.

Honouring Your Baby: Gentle Memorial Ideas

Mourning is the outward expression of grief. Like grief, mourning is unique to the individual. Some people choose to do nothing, while other people find actions or rituals that help them to make meaning of the loss of their baby’s life.

Finding meaningful ways to remember your baby can aid in the healing process. The following suggestions offer opportunities to create lasting memories:

1. Keepsake Items: Creating or purchasing keepsake items such as jewellry, a memorial box, or a personalised blanket can provide solace. Many parents find comfort in wearing a piece of jewellry that symbolises their baby. Consider a necklace or bracelet with your baby's initials or a charm representing their birthstone. Placing your baby's ashes if they were cremated, keeps you feeling close and connected to your baby. Some parents choose a tattoo to reflect the love they have for their baby.

   
   

2. Memory Book or Journal: Dedicate a journal to your baby, where you can write letters, share feelings, or document your memories. This book can be a therapeutic outlet, allowing you to express emotions that may be difficult to verbalize.

   
   

3. Ceremonies: Holding a small ceremony in honor of your baby can be a poignant way to reflect. Invite loved ones to join you in a memorial service, light candles, or plant a tree as a living tribute to your baby’s memory.

   
   

Remembering your baby by lighting a candle at significant times.

4. Creative Tributes: Engage in creative activities, such as painting, crafting, or writing poetry, to express your feelings and honour your baby. These creative outlets can help process grief and create a tangible tribute to your child.

   
   

5. Donation: Consider honouring your baby's memory through charitable acts, such as making a donation to an organisation focused on infant loss, pregnancy research, or helping families in need. This act of kindness can heal not only your heart but also support others who are grieving.

Other suggestions:

Early on following your loss:

• Naming the baby

• Spending time with baby

• Bringing family / friends into hospital to meet baby

• Taking baby home to spend time together (with a cuddle cot)

• Planning the funeral/saying goodbye (butterflies, balloons) or religious ceremonies

• Memorial space in house (with photos perhaps)

• Lighting of candles

• Cremating baby and keeping their ashes

• Burying baby, or baby’s ashes

• Planting a special tree or flower

Later following your loss:

• Making a photo album which may include photos during the pregnancy, birth and time spent together

• A memory box filled with precious items

• Journaling (writing to the child)

• Creating memorial garden

• Memorial sculptures or a plaque

• Photo of the baby’s name written in sand

• Tattoos

• Visiting of grave or memorial site at times of significance

• Making a video of the pregnancy and the baby

• Raising money in the baby’s name or not-for-profit or hospital

• Donating a cuddle cot to a hospital

• Running a marathon to raise money in the baby’s name

• Family rituals on the baby’s anniversary

• Christmas tree angel representing the baby

  
  

What Lies Ahead: Sad Days ... Better Days

It is important to remember that grief is not linear. There will be good days and challenging days. Some mornings may seem easier than the ones before, only to find that by the afternoon you are back feeling the deep sadness and grief again.

Allow yourself to embrace the various feelings and thoughts as they come. Don't hesitate to seek help when you need it.

Engage in self-care activities that nurture your soul. Whether it’s taking long walks in nature, reading a comforting book, practicing meditation, having a bath or giving yourself permission to not engage in a social invitation ... prioritising your well-being plays a significant role in the healing process.

Remember, it's okay to celebrate your baby in small ways. Share their name on social media, remember their due date, talk to a trusted friend or family member about your baby or consider creating a special day each year to honor their memory.

Seeking Connection: Community and Love

As you navigate this heartbreaking experience, building connections with others can provide warmth and understanding. Surround yourself with those who support you and are willing to listen. They may not have the right words to say, and that’s okay. Their presence alone can be a source of comfort.

Consider joining online forums or local groups for bereaved parents. Sharing experiences and listening to others can foster a sense of community and lessen feelings of isolation. Connecting with others can remind you that your grief, while personal, is also a shared human experience.

Remembering Your Baby: Continuously Honouring Their Memory

Finally, find ways to incorporate your baby into your everyday life. Light a candle during family meals, mention your child’s name in conversations, or keep a picture nearby. Familiarising your loved ones with your baby can help keep their memory alive in your heart and in the hearts of those around you.

Engaging in rituals, like releasing balloons or planting flowers on special dates, can also provide a tangible way to honor your little one’s presence in your life. Celebrate siblings or family members and encourage them to share their feelings about the baby to foster a supportive atmosphere.

As you remember the love you have for your baby, remember that the bond you share is everlasting. It is a testament to their unique existence and the impact they’ve had on your life that reflects the love you still hold for them.

Try and approach your grief journey with patience and compassion and remember, you are not alone.

Eliza, My Pebble Urn x